I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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