somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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