Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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