If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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