I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I am one with the molecules
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
