theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I need water and some morals
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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