I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
