Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
