My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
