Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
