Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
