mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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