Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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