I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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