I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
