You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
