where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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