Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
