he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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