Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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