I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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