I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
