The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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