I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
