I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
