Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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