Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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