Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
