We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
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Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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