meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
