the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
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