i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you