Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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