apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
