so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
