You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
