Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
