She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My life is pants optional.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
