On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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