Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
