you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
