Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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