Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
