Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Welp...herpes.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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