WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
