I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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