Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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