pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
