I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
