your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
