I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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