Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
