Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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