I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
