are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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