I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
